We are a month into our project, “Dedicating one year to life.” I am shocked by the difference a month has made. The family has made huge progress toward our goals. The kids are adapting to the changes. We have been trying to make the changes at a slow pace to give us all time to adapt but sometimes I feel like we are on a freight train barreling down the tracks to a completely different life and there is simply no stopping now. Maybe this is a good thing.
I have high-functioning anxiety. I have for as long as I can remember. It got much worse after becoming a parent. It is something I hide and never speak of. I even tried to hide this in the middle of a paragraph with a disclaimer at the beginning when I wrote this. I have gotten very good at avoiding things that make me uncomfortable. I have big dreams and I am honestly afraid to live them. Just admitting this to myself was an issue. Writing this is giving me palpitations. I am trying to be brave. I keep telling myself that I don’t have to hit publish. I could just delete this and nobody will ever know. I know I need to confront my fears. I know that many of them are irrational. I am afraid that if we continue to do this project that I am going to be confronted by some big things. I am more afraid that if I stop now that I am going to be a bitter old lady that let fear ruin her dreams. I have overcome some of my fears over time and it has always been for the best. I have a list of excuses about why I can’t live my dreams that I have been hiding behind. This project is breaking down those hurdles.
I have grown as a person as I spend more time thinking about what I truly want in life and perhaps more importantly, what I don’t. I always read these articles or hear these stories where the people “gave it all up” to travel the world. I will admit that I am down right envious of those folks. I often feel like I “gave it all up” to live the American dream. You know the one. A nice house in the suburbs full of crap that you don’t need. The two cars, two fulltime jobs, kids in a good school kind of life that you didn’t know came with fun add-ons such as debt, stagnation of dreams, an ever-expanding waistline, and boredom.
I have spent a lot of time getting to know what I really want. I have always known that I have some very big dreams. I also always knew that there was no way that I was ever going to do any of them. It was just one of those unspoken things between my husband and I…or so I thought. Because of this project I found out that when my husband said that he would do any of those things with me and he thought that we could do them, he was being…SERIOUS! I had no idea. This information has been a bit of a shock. I took the time to go over all the crazy things I have tucked away for someday. I am planning, truly planning, my five-year plan based on things that I actually want. Our list of things stopping us from living our dreams gets shorter everyday.
I’m still scared but I’m ready.