New Perspectives

We are a month into our project, “Dedicating one year to life.”  I am shocked by the difference a month has made.  The family has made huge progress toward our goals.  The kids are adapting to the changes.  We have been trying to make the changes at a slow pace to give us all time to adapt but sometimes I feel like we are on a freight train barreling down the tracks to a completely different life and there is simply no stopping now.  Maybe this is a good thing.

I have high-functioning anxiety.  I have for as long as I can remember.  It got much worse after becoming a parent.  It is something I hide and never speak of.  I even tried to hide this in the middle of a paragraph with a disclaimer at the beginning when I wrote this.  I have gotten very good at avoiding things that make me uncomfortable.  I have big dreams and I am honestly afraid to live them.  Just admitting this to myself was an issue.  Writing this is giving me palpitations.  I am trying to be brave.  I keep telling myself that I don’t have to hit publish.  I could just delete this and nobody will ever know.  I know I need to confront my fears.  I know that many of them are irrational.  I am afraid that if we continue to do this project that I am going to be confronted by some big things.  I am more afraid that if I stop now that I am going to be a bitter old lady that let fear ruin her dreams.  I have overcome some of my fears over time and it has always been for the best.  I have a list of excuses about why I can’t live my dreams that I have been hiding behind.  This project is breaking down those hurdles. 

I have grown as a person as I spend more time thinking about what I truly want in life and perhaps more importantly, what I don’t.  I always read these articles or hear these stories where the people “gave it all up” to travel the world.  I will admit that I am down right envious of those folks.  I often feel like I “gave it all up” to live the American dream.  You know the one.  A nice house in the suburbs full of crap that you don’t need.  The two cars, two fulltime jobs, kids in a good school kind of life that you didn’t know came with fun add-ons such as debt, stagnation of dreams, an ever-expanding waistline, and boredom.

I have spent a lot of time getting to know what I really want.  I have always known that I have some very big dreams.  I also always knew that there was no way that I was ever going to do any of them.  It was just one of those unspoken things between my husband and I…or so I thought.  Because of this project I found out that when my husband said that he would do any of those things with me and he thought that we could do them, he was being…SERIOUS!  I had no idea.  This information has been a bit of a shock.  I took the time to go over all the crazy things I have tucked away for someday.  I am planning, truly planning, my five-year plan based on things that I actually want.  Our list of things stopping us from living our dreams gets shorter everyday.

I’m still scared but I’m ready.

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